


Kyle's Boomin' Cabinet

by KPesh123



Series: Kyle's Boomin' Adventures [7]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Politics, American Politics, Bad Writing, Beer, Best Friends, Binge Drinking, Childhood Friends, Cocaine, College, Comedy, Dark Comedy, Drinking, Drugs, Excessive Drinking, Friendship, Fucking, Good Writing, Heavy Drinking, Late Night Writing, Marijuana, Other, Party, Partying, Politics, Porn, Prostitution, References to Drugs, Smoking, Tequila, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, Vodka, Whiskey & Scotch, Wine, Writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:41:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25897606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KPesh123/pseuds/KPesh123
Summary: Kyle and The Boys have done well running North Korea, now they get the opportunity of a lifetime, running the United States Government...
Series: Kyle's Boomin' Adventures [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1867981
Kudos: 1





	Kyle's Boomin' Cabinet

**Author's Note:**

> Make sure to read my other stories from Kyle's Boomin' Adventures.

Kyle’s Boomin Cabinet 

Kyle and the boys had spent a month running the country. With aid from the United States and its allies, North Korea had turned into a prosperous country. Companies started moving their factories to North Korea and western culture was finally accepted. Just like the Moscow Peace Festival in 1989, the boys hosted a rock festival in Pyongyang to show off the best of what America had to offer. The bill consisted of; Metallica, Guns N’ Roses, Avenged Sevenfold, Papa Roach and many other western artists. The festival was a hit and gained North Korea an economic profit. The United States noticed how well North Korea was doing. They contacted the boys. While the boys were fucking hookers and drinking vodka with their new friend Dennis Rodman, they got yet another call. Kyle picked up the phone. 

“Jesus whoever this is, it's a bad time.” Kyle said, annoyed.

“This is President Trump again.” 

“Jesus dude you gotta stop calling, we’re doing fine.” 

“No I know that, your festival was YUGE!!!! I’m calling with an offer you can’t refuse.” Trump responded. 

“What’s that?” Kyle asked. 

“I give all seven of you a $1,000,000 yearly salary from the taxpayers money and you guys get to be my kitchen cabinet. In return the United States colonizes North Korea” 

“Damn that’s tyrannical as fuck about the taxpayer’s money, but fuck it.” Kyle responded.

“You guys are going to love this. It’s going to be really amazing, really really great.” Trump commented. 

A week went by, the boys packed their bags and headed on a plane for Washington D.C. While on the plane Malcolm tried to grope the flight attendants yet again, this time they shoved him into the overhead baggage holder. The boys heard him squealing but refused to do anything thinking this would teach him a lesson. Nick was on his laptop and checked the news. 

“Yo get a look at this! We’re on every news page!” Nick shouted. 

“Bet! What are they saying?” Mark asked. 

“Holy fuck these pages hate us.” Nick commented. “Trump reaches new low, hiring seven incompotant teenagers- CNN. Seven Autistic little retards now run the country- MSNBC. I cry myself to sleep every night because I blew billions on my failed presidential campaign- Bloomberg.” 

It was obvious that the media already despised the boys just because Trump gave them jobs running the country. They completely forgot about how the boys saved North Korea and turned it into a prosperous country. The articles got worse. 

“Malcolm Bartolo masterbates to obsure porn.” Read the Huffington Post article.

Many articles reported about the past shenanigans the boys have done whether it be running away from porn henchmen or robbing weed dispensaries in Canada. It was obvious the media was against the boys.

“Holy fuck they actually made an article!” Kyle yelled. “Kyle Peschler was a pathetic sociopathic alcoholic boomer which everyone hated at our school- The Nut.”

The Nut was a student run newspaper at Kyle’s school based off The Onion. Their articles consisted about the types of food to eat at the commons as well as brainwashing strait men into turning gay. The official student newspaper was shunned by the student population after they reported that Nancy Drew was transported to the hospital when she threw up due to alcohol poisoning. Kyle supplied the alcohol that night, basically making her throw up. Kyle took pride in himself when he saw all the students up in arms when their little princess was shown for what she actually was, an alcoholic mess created by Kyle. No matter how hard she tried to quit, with the snap of two fingers Kyle had her drinking again. Kyle controlled Nancy’s sobriety in the palm of his hand. The students hated the site of this and boycotted the official newspaper. The Nut grew in popularity, reporting about gayness one article after the other. In retaliation to the Nut, Kyle formed Nut Wars, a conspiracy newspaper based off of Alex Jones's Infowars set out to take down the socialist think tank which was Kyle’s school. Kyle made bitter enemies at his school to say the least. 

“Damn Kyle they are really ripping into you.” Jon commented.

“No shit Nancy Drew wrote the fucking article!!” Kyle shouted then laughed. 

“Priceless.” Mark commented.

The boys were greeted with an enormous amount of protesters. When walking out of the gate, Kyle spotted Nancy Drew, Kyle’s old roommate, and the entire Boof Brigade. The Boof Brigade was Kyle’s old friend group at his school. During his first semester they acted really nice towards Kyle. Along with Nancy Drew, the Boof Brigade smoked shitty weed which they purposely called “Boof.” By the second semester the entire brigade of retards dropped Kyle only using him for supplies except for Nancy Drew, who bullied the ever living fuck out of the poor soul. Mark met one of the members at the airport before going to North Korea, he slapped the member so hard it knocked him unconscious. Wanting to make Kyle’s life a living hell, they followed him to Washington D.C. 

“You’re a pathetic sack of shit boomer!!!” One yelled. 

“You mansplain too much!!!” Yelled another.

“Ewww what a bunch of Jebronies!” Yelled a member in a ripped up sweater and bleached hair. 

“Why do you hate me so much?!” Nancy Drew cried. 

The boys looked in shock at the effort the group made to ruin their homecoming. They couldn’t help but laugh at the Boof Brigade’s pathetic attempt to sabotage their arrival. Malcolm pulled a joint out of his pocket and stood up on a chair. He motioned for everyone's attention. 

“Attention privileged retards! What is this in my hands?” Malcolm asked. 

“Yo it’s da boof!!! It’s boof time and we gonna get zoinked on dat Junko!!” Yelled a member. 

Malcolm motioned to Mark who then walked over and punched the member in the face with the might of a thousand armies. The member was left whimpering on the ground.

“This ladies and gentlemen, this is not boof, this is gas!!! Little to your knowledge but nobody calls weed boof. Even if you say it as a meme, you sound like deranged retards!!” Malcolm yelled. 

“To be honest Malcolm, what they smoke is boof though, literally everyone throws up from it.” Kyle commented. 

“Second thing about gas, it doesn’t make you throw up! It makes you skeed and want to eat, not go ape shit and puke eleven times in one night!” Malcolm ranted.

“We don’t know anything else, we just suck each other's cocks and put the semen into the cart.” One of the members claimed. 

“How would you little shitheads like to try some real weed!” Malcolm said enticingly, waving the joint around as all the members of the Boof Brigade followed in awe. 

Out of nowhere Malcolm threw the joint across the room and everyone ran for it. One member caught it and the rest jumped him. It turned into an all out brawl, similar to one seen when the benches were cleared at a MLB baseball game. With the Boof Brigade in shambles fighting over one joint, the boys ran out of the airport into the limo waiting for them. The limo was stocked with high end alcohol such as Pappy Van Winkle and other fine bourbons. The boys got in and had a drink. 

“Hey where are we going?” Jon asked the driver. 

“The fucking White House, today’s your first day!” The driver responded. 

“Holy shit this will be the second time we’re going to be in the White House.” Kyle said to Malcolm. 

The previous year before Kyle went off to college, he and Malcolm took a trip to Washington D.C. Since they were both fans of history it was right up their alley. Kyle’s father had connections with a democratic politician who was able to get them into the White House. There they took a tour of the various rooms that were offered to the tourists. They didn’t get to see the Oval Office. This time they would be working in it. The limo pulled up to the White House where they were met by a young intern working for Trump. 

“What’s up guys? I’m going to show you around. First off I’ll give you a tour of the White House, Capitol Building, and the secret rooms the public don’t know about. Finally I’ll take you guys to your offices.” The Intern told the boys. 

The tour was simple and repetitive. The only difference was that the boys were able to go inside the off limits parts of the buildings. The Capitol Building the boys have gone through before. In eighth grade the boys went on a field trip to Washington D.C. and got a tour of the Capitol Building. This time the boys met some of the famous politicians seen on the news. While in the left wing, Kyle ran into his old nemesis. 

“Hey!! Brown boy! I remember you from somewhere!!” An old hunched over angry man shouted to Kyle. 

The old angry man was none other than Senator Bernie Sanders. The last time Kyle saw Bernie in person was the time he beat the ever living fuck out of the young radical at a 1960’s civil rights rally when the boys went back in time. 

“Yea I kicked your ass for being a commie douchebag!” Kyle shouted back. 

“You have no right mocking me for wanting to get gangbanged by Stalin, Lenin, and Trotsky!” Bernie shouted. 

“I actually do, it’s a free country.” 

“I may be almost eighty but I’m gonna roundhouse your brown ass!” 

“Bring it retard.” 

Bernie tried to speed walk the best he could. With his increasing age, Bernie could barely go one mile per hour. Kyle slowly walked over and punched Bernie in the face. Bernie’s glasses and dentures fell to the floor. Bernie was wobbling trying to maintain his balance. Kyle took a chair and smashed it over the old man's head, dropping him like a sack of potatoes. Bernie was left unconscious and the rest of the Democratic politicians were speechless, realizing they were about to clash with an absolute madman. 

“Man you really don’t like that guy.” Nick commented. 

“The amount of incompetence that guy created at my college, I won’t stop until he’s six feet under.” Kyle commented.

“Yea that’s right! We’re here for the long run you pussy ass liberals!” Malcolm shouted to the crowd of politicians. 

“Okay let’s show you guys the right wing.” The intern told the boys. 

The boys walked into the right wing of the Capitol Building. Many of them were sucking dildos with the colors of the Thin Blue Line since they’re bootlicking normies. Others had guns and were firing them for the fun of it. Some of the boys joined as well. Kyle was walking around when Republican Mitt Romney approached him. 

“I don’t like you.” Mitt said.

“Okay.” Kyle responded.

“You seem too radical.” 

“Well unlike you I’ve actually ran a country before. I didn’t get raped by Obama on stage.” 

“Oh fuck no!” Mitt yelled, about to punch Kyle in the face.

Kyle stepped back and Mitt fell forward. Kyle then grabbed Mitt and kneed him in the balls. Kyle then punched Mitt twice in the face causing him to go down. Half of the Republicans cheered while the others protested because Kyle did not follow the authoritarian rules. The boys continued to their offices. Each of the boys each got an office with a group of yuppie secretaries trying to make it in politics. Every boy got a young hot female secretary to fuck when they were not busy running the country. While the boys were getting settled in, Alexandria Ocasio Cortez paid them a visit. 

“Yo who da fuck do you think you are punching out my daddy?! How da fuck am I supposed to get analy fucked by Daddy when he’s is da fuckin hospital!!” AOC yelled. 

“Who the fuck is Daddy?” Jon asked.

“Fuckin Bernie Sanders is my daddy!!!” AOC yelled at the top of her lungs.

“Hey cunt, I made your daddy my bitch, making you my bitch.” Kyle said seriously getting close to AOC’s face. He soon stepped back after realizing how hideos her face was. 

AOC went to slap Kyle when he sprayed her with water. AOC’s $1,000 suit she bought with the taxpayers money was ruined and her makeup washed off. With makeup AOC looked hideous, without it she looked like a sewer monster. Gianni threw up at the site of the horrific display in front of his very eyes. Crying with hands in her face, AOC ran out of the room. The boys were then called to the Oval Office. 

In the Oval Office, the boys stood around Trump's desk with two secret service men at the door. Under the desk, a hooker was giving Trump a blowjob. Trump sat with confidence, arms folded looking at the boys. 

“Alright boys the job is simple. You get to run the country while I fuck hookers and do fat lines of cocaine that was snuck in across the border. You got that?” Trump said.

“Alright bet.” Mark replied. 

“Malcolm I’ve heard about you. I heard that you are a devious perverted fuck who has no filter.” Trump said to Malcolm.

“Yea that’s about right.” Malcolm responded. 

“My last press secretary killed herself due to the fact the media bullied the ever living fuck out of her. I need you in that position because you take no shit. You’ll make the reporters your bitch.” 

“Bet.” 

“Alright you guys have the room, start running the country. I just came in this hookers throat so now me and Mike Pence are going to do lines of coke. Don’t worry, you guys will be really really terrific.” 

Trump walked out of the office and the boys were left to run the country. Kyle sat down in the president's chair and started to draw a pair of titties on the Affordable Care Act. After that little act of debauchery, the boys started to plan out their goals for the country. Number one on the list was to legalize weed for all fifty states. Number two was to lower the drinking age to eighteen years of age. Number three was to legalize all drugs and prostitution. Their view was that it is the people’s choice, if they want to die they have the right. Finally they wanted to legalize all guns and weapons for citizens to use. With a good map planned out, an intern ran into the room.

“Malcolm you’re on!” The intern yelled. 

“For what?” 

“The fucking press breifing!”

Malcolm ran to the press room and the boys followed excluding Mark. Mark was left behind to work on the plan for America. The boys stood backstage as the media attempted to grill Malcolm. 

“Now why did President Trump hire only white kids to be his advisors when there are thousands of smart minorities out there? Also why are there no women advisors?” Asked the MSNBC reporter.

“Hey retard, did you smoke crack out of your sugar mamma’s cunt before coming here? Kyle is half Guyanese and Jay is half black. They are more brown than your constipated shits you have every night. Next question.” 

“When will President Trump admit that he is Putin’s bitch and begged him to rig the 2016 election?” Asked the CNN reporter.

“Listen here fuckface, I was just in the Oval Office before this briefing. Putin was on a leash giving Trump a blowjob under his desk. Trump then ordered Putin to give all of us blowjobs as a symbolic move to show that Russia will always be America’s bitch. Trump isn’t Putin’s bitch, Putin is America’s bitch. Next fucking question.”

“What is Trump going to do about this new Covid 19 virus that was just found in Wuhan China?” Asked the Fox News reporter.

“Fuck that thing is back?!”

“What do you mean it’s back?” 

“Nevermind, next question.” 

“Uh yea is President Trump and the rest of the country aware that Kyle doesn’t know shit about female anatomy?” The Nut reporter asked. 

“I heard that he hired a pedophile on craigslist to shove a cactus up your ass. Okay briefing done.” Malcolm walked offstage. 

While the briefing was going on, Trump walked back into the Oval Office. He found Mark smoking a joint at the desk and the window smashed open. Trump was confused beyond belief. 

“What the fuck happened here?!” Trump asked.

“I was playing with the birds.” Mark replied. 

The boys walked back into the Oval Office and continued their plan. They showed Trump the plan and he approved. Later that week they would present the plan to Congress. Knowing that most politicians were authoritarian normies who would go against the plan, they had a plan to get it passed. 

The day came where the boys presented their plan to congress. The boys were planning to take the podium at 12:00pm, but they were five minutes late. Just as the politicians started to get withdrawals from semen and cocaine, the room was gassed with smoke. It wasn’t ordinary smoke however, the boys gassed the room with weed smoke in order to get everyone high. If all the politicians were high, they would finally have a middle ground and be able to run the country professionally. Almost every politician got baked except for two. Bernie sat in the back with an angry look on his face knowing full well Kyle would get his way. Nancy Pelosi sat at the top of the podium and was not amused. She took the plans given to her and unprofessionally ripped them up in front of the boys. Nick injected her with heroin and she became delirious. With every politician baked, they finally got along and saw that the plans were needed and the Boomin Act was signed into law.

The Boomin Act called for weed to be legalized in all fifty states, the age of consumption was lowered to eighteen years of age, all hardcore drugs and prostitution became legal, and finally all weapons were available for purchase. These new laws of freedom applied to everyone in The United States except for the Boof Brigade. It was illegal for the Boof Brigade to buy weed and their age of consumption for alcohol was moved up to fifty years old. Every American citizen enforced the law on the Boof Brigade by pulling their guns if they attempted to buy weed or alcohol. Instead of making college free, the boys jacked the price of their college education to $9,000 a semester making it impossible for them to pay unless they took loans from the boys themselves. The boys eventually got their paycheck and retired back to their hometown of Parkersville, New Jersey. All was finally right in the country. 

  
  


I hope you enjoyed my boomin cabinet, die. 

  
  



End file.
